It's instinctual for me to emotionally hold everyone at arm's length. It's the classic story, early twenties, get broken hearted and then think "Fuck the world, I don't need you." Except in my case, my broken heart wasn't because of a guy, it was my closest girlfriend that betrayed me in a way I could never imagine. She was the one I had given my all to, and she flung my all in a blender. After that, is when I decided that I didn't want to get too close to people anymore. I distinctly remember telling myself, I didn't want to ever have a best friend ever again.
Since that time it's gone from a conscious effort to not get close to people, and now it's become an unconscious habit. Moving out of London in 2016 made it even easier "Out of sight, out of mind" I told myself, but in the long run it's harmed me and not helped me. I've known for some time now, that this attitude isn't healthy (I'm working on finding a therapist), yet I don't know how to undo this mindset. I try to contact the people I would consider friends more, but I stop myself thinking that I'm hassling them. Everyone has shit to do, who has time to listen to my waffling in addition to that? Then when they call me back I just stare at my phone in shock and horror. I don't know why.
In the ideal world in my mind, I'd have a tribe of girlfriends that I was a part of, in real life I tell myself (I'm now aware that I lie to myself a lot) that everyone is already 'clique'd' up and doesn't have room for one more. It's seen as there's something wrong with you if you don't have a tight circle of friends. Meme after meme celebrating cancel culture, and making your circle smaller and smaller are funny/sad to me. I can't make my circle smaller - I don't have one! *Face palm emoji*
The easiest way for me to start working on that has been via social media. Sounds completely mental, but I think it's working. I'm learning that even in the midst of another betrayal, that all people aren't evil monsters out to destroy me - they are people. The emotional feeling of being enveloped in comfort has been unexpected and really moving. My next challenge is to move these newly formed friendships from the social media realm to the real world realm, and to concoiously make the effort to draw closer to the existing loved ones in my life. I'm still scared, but trying to embody my word "Fearless," I'm determined to find my tribe and love them hard.
Rose
Xx
Xx
No comments
Post a Comment